Saturday, November 21, 2015

My Blessed, Discontented Life (and yes, I feel guilty)

"Damn it" I muttered under my breath as my car plowed to a halt. I was in that grey zone between too-close-to-stop and dashing-through-an-obviously-red-light. The dogs in the back of the bus cheered their approval since a pause in motion meant a chance to look around and hopefully find something to bark at. I fumed at the delay - which, like so many other recent events - was totally and completely out of my control.

En route to the bank, I'd just written out a check which had on it a number "20". As in November 20th, 2015. How did we get here I wondered, momentarily frozen by what seemed to be a huge span of time between today and the previous autumn. A whole year had passed; 12 months; 365 days and a few extras....and I'm still looking, searching and coming up empty. A friend told me a few days ago that this journey is more about how "I perceive myself" than about letting go. I'm sure I'd have an opinion if I knew how to feel but lately there's just a blank space where my emotions are supposed to be stored.

And yet, I'm so very fortunate. I have people who say they care, even though I sometimes struggle to see that. I have people who have really shown their level of caring by being amazing friends, and then there are acquaintances too....and I have my health. So I'm just being a bitch says the little voice inside my head, when I'm not grateful or appreciative of all this. Really, the lecturing voice goes on to tell me, do I not realize how fortunate I am? Almost disgusting for me to be complaining, isn't it, I silently answer back, feeling ashamed of my discontented self.

I'm going to go on....what brought out the magic once before in my life must still exist; I just haven't found it yet. It was the best of times and it was the worst of times - and through it all is how my soul began to heal. I've got to keep looking for that light.