Monday, July 18, 2016

Challenges and Changes: Elderly Parents (7/18/16, part 15)

I said I wouldn't let it get to me, that I COULD rise above this; do the right thing; stay the course and be strong. I LIED, apparently, because here I am, halfway between wanting to smash my fist into the wall and bursting into tears. Again. And I don't even cry that often. Right now I HATE the person that I'm dealing with, my mother with dementia, more than anything.

I thought nothing would be more frustrating in life than some of the things I've been through but this is harder. It's almost as if someone is playing a game, a slow deliberate game where sometimes, occasionally, there are moments of clarity and happiness. Those moments - which I am coming to HATE - are sort of "deception in motion" because they offer a false sense of reassurance that I am actually getting somewhere. They lure me in, making me cherish the few minutes that she is calm and happy, actually willing to appreciate and go along with some of the changes the doctors say we must put into place. And then like a crack of lightening, everything changes and she's vicious and resentful, managing somehow even with this illness, to make snide and sarcastic comments that cut. And stall. And wreck the plans that are set up, the ones in place to keep her safe, because she doesn't care to hear anything we say or read anything that is written's an endless spiraling, struggle.

Maybe I just need to stop calling her. I can't do it; the shifting sands of confusion meeting manipulation seem to overwhelm every conversation and she is constantly trying to refuse anything that was already agreed upon. I begin to talk to my mom and suddenly feel like I can't breathe or swallow and I have to get off the phone because there's nothing left to say. The excuses and dramatics and lies are all part of her refusal, for as long as I can recall, to ever admit that something was wrong with her....

"Life on Delmarva" • #delmarvausa