September 30th. I just caught sight of today's date and flinched; another of my favorite months is gone.
Fall is for me, sort of a time of rebirth. It's about changing, which I am generally hesitant to do, and yet the cool air and winds and falling leaves seem somehow to encourage a new beginning. There's a crisp and subtle excitement in the air it seems, which appears to lift my mind and brings new energy to my soul.
But this time it's muted, many of those emotions seen to have lost their spirit and enthusiasm, something is different. Perhaps it's the exhaustion which has come from endless struggle with my mother as dementia meets what was once a brilliant mind; as she battles us daily over even the most trivial things, and as the ability to make the best possible choices is snatched over and over again from my hands. Her process of thinking is failing and as I hold the papers in my hand that were drawn up 20 years ago it's hard to comprehend why I still am unable to make the decisions for her safety and well-being. At each turn in the road it seems stands another doctor who believes in her right to decide things; who isn't convinced that I am more qualified; someone who hesitates to instate me as guardian. Her fading recall and rapidly changing personality offer a hundred clues during a conversation showing that she's unclear on her situation and it gives an insight to the confusion in her mind. And yet, over and over again, I'm denied the power to help.
Mom's abilities are fading and the fog and mist that have begun to cloud her judgement are not, this time, merely seasonal shifts. I'm watching it happen and I'm begging everyone I speak to for help; the chance to keep her from returning to a home that is no longer safe or familiar. I'm asking for assistance in getting her to a place where she can be monitored and receive daily care and the important medications that could be helping.....but I can't.
The process of doing what is best is being taken from me and although I have done nothing wrong my wishes are falling on deaf ears. I'm struggling to understand why this is happening and how medical professionals insist that she can return to a dirty home, refuse outside care and continue to hide her medications. At every turn she comes face to face with the fog that is rolling in, begins again to lose her way, and I can do nothing.