Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Changes, part 23: Tomorrow is moving day for Mom (11/26)

"Tomorrow is a beginning,
And yet tomorrow is an end;
I can no longer be stubborn,
I must be willing to bend.

Like the trees in the wind,
As their leaves fly away;
A time to learn to let go,
Tomorrow is finally, that day."

Monday, October 24, 2016

Changes, part 22: In two days we move mom into the nursing home....

I stood on the beach where for so many years I've gone to heal, grieve, cry and find peace......but today even the brisk October winds couldn't dry the tears that kept falling from my eyes. I whispered to the sea "my mother is dying", and the echo of the seagulls and the roar of the ocean had no answers this time. "She isn't dying - yet", I explained choking back sobs; "her mind is going and my choices are fading". The breezes continued to blow down the shore and the waves tumbled and rolled and fell over one another again and again, just like they always do, but they offered no comfort this time, only silence. And then the spirits of the sea sighed and spoke, but only to tell me there was nothing more I could do, that I needed to prepare myself for two deaths, because this was the double edged sword of dementia.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Changes, part 21: We did it. We signed papers to put her in a home.

Home from another very long day. Still hard to believe we signed the papers to put mom in a permanent facility. There weren't any other options and to allow her to return home would be dangerous and we believe, the setting for a downward spiral. I know all this and yet it's strange to see a house that she will never return to and to experience what feels like the beginning of the end. I'm very grateful for our friends, for sticking by us during a difficult time. I'm incredibly fortunate to have a spouse who in addition to having been able to deal with mom better than I over the last few years, has been involved with decisions over the last few weeks. I feel better knowing that he shares concern for her well-being. This wasn't at all a knee-jerk reaction and yet it's one that feels so painfully empty.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Decisions and Dementia: facility tour day (10/13, part 20)

It's funny - definitely not in a comical way but more in strangely sad form - how I only know that what I'm doing is the right thing, for just a small amount of time. And then in an instant it all changes again; I'm unsure; feeling guilty; questioning my choices all over again. And then I get another phone call from my mom, but it isn't her anymore, it's some woman that sounds like her but is horribly accusing and bitter and angry at me and I hate doing what I think is right while wanting to just give and do the wrong thing in bringing her home.....

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Just hours after participating in a community gathering I saw the news....

Yesterday was a gathering of people who came out to tell officers that they are appreciated; that we care; that their lives matter. As are so many events that I attend, it was moving and emotional and to stand together with so many others who support our police was solidarity in action.

I hate that now, without ever knowing them, that we know their names.