Sunday, October 25, 2015

The Hungarian Revolution 1956 | Coming to America

June 17th, 2015

My dad has been gone for twenty years now....and it takes my breath away to say that. I cannot believe it's been two decades since he left us. He passed one week after his 60th birthday; due in part I think to a difficult life and a sadness inside of him he could never heal. My father left a war-torn country at his parents urging; they had lost everything and knew their son was young enough to make a new life in a free land. He arrived here with almost nothing, possessing only the sponsorship from a distant relative in the US which made the journey possible.

Louis did the opposite of what so many these days do. He worked four jobs to put himself through college and then grad school. He studied hard, learned flawless English and was so very proud of becoming an American citizen. While in school in California he met my mother and they married, just as he was offered a job with the government in Washington, DC. For almost 30 years dad was an economist for the US Commerce Department, living in the suburbs of northern Virginia. It was everything that one may have thought "the American dream" was.

Dad spoke little of his past, hesitating to go back to that painful time when Communists overtook their country. His own father died in prison and although we returned to "the homeland" many times it was never easy for him to accept what had happened. Sadly, as an adult now I can see the effects that life had on him and realize that so much sadness and loss was buried inside someone who could rarely speak about it. Sixty years and one week is such a short life....I was only 22 when I had to say goodbye.

There are right ways and wrong ways of doing things and although I say little about it, it hurts to see the freedom of this country taken advantage of. My dad embraced what America stood for, placed lights in the windows during the Iran hostage crisis and cried like a baby when they were released. Despite not being born here he had more patriotic spirit than so many. To this day, to me, it is a slap in the face to see how people disrespect our flag and nation. When you come from nothing perhaps you appreciate things more....I learned so much from my father. I just wish there had been more time.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

It's been a year

I've been lying on the floor with ice packs all day, trying to squash this headache that's draped across my brain and crawling down my neck. It's been a year since I said goodbye. Twelve months ago I was still struggling to let go - since then a lot has happened but not the things I was hoping for, or that I needed to begin again. Somehow, I seem to have lost my place in the world. I don't fit in anymore and I know so much more than I ever wanted to about people.

I know now that some people can lie - easily and convincingly, and that if you don't see it you might get sucked in. I did, fell for something that wasn't real and believed it "could be" the next step for me after closing those doors - but what I reassured myself was out there as a new adventure and fresh start was just smoke and mirrors.

I realize now that some people let you in their worlds with a clause. Should one thing disturb whatever friendship you may have it's possible for them to just walk, regardless of circumstances. We may all do and say stupid things - some of those actions might take the cake on the scale of inappropriate words - but I'd never cut someone out of my life without a word. Now I know that forgiveness isn't at the core of some hearts and that's been incredible to learn and is something I never saw it coming. Having the ability to screw up is human - to forgive apparently requires something else.

I see that some people stick by you regardless of if you can be of use or benefit to them. The people that you might have casually dismissed as "acquaintances" could be the ones reaching out the hand of kindness. I know that now and am incredibly grateful for so many who came through for me without expecting a thing in return - they turned out to be angels when I thought there was nothing. When you see the quotes about kindness and doing things for others without looking to see what's in it for you....well, that's how it is and should be. No false pretenses.

I'm different and unusual and don't fit in to the traditional norms for a wide variety of reasons. It means I'm still struggling to find my next steps or the new beginning I thought was right around the corner - because twelve months later it's no where to be seen. Despite the good in my life that doesn't fix everything, and I'm getting more desperate each day. Starting to panic and thinking that I may never find my place in this world.

My friend Judy told me a year ago - we discussed it the last time she came to see me - this.
I just can't find the sun right now.

How I'm still feeling - twelve months later......

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Eastern Shore Fallen Officer Memorial

This memorial is located in Rhodesdale, Maryland and honors the memory and service of law enforcement from our local counties along the Eastern Shore. Those counties include: Worcester, Wicomico, Somerset, Dorchester, Cecil and also Maryland Natural Resources and Marine Police departments. It was dedicated May 22, 2009.

Names of the fallen officers


Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Hurting and grounded

Have you ever wanted to fly so much that you hurt inside...and yet you STILL couldn't get off the ground? It's tough being affected by something that no one else can see but you, especially when it's something that you

Monday, October 5, 2015


I don't think people understand what it's like to have something wrong, a part of you that doesn't quite work right or is always a struggle. If they've never been there, how could they know? But have you noticed how they all say "I get it", that they hear you, that so and so has a similar issue and so of course it's totally understandable.....

But....not all defects and imperfections show visibly or jump out being obvious. Some are just silently lurking underneath the surface and if you are really really good at managing your problems then sometimes it may look as if everything is fine. So how do you explain what's broken when you can't put into words the things no one can see? And do you even WANT to try and explain? Just so people can brush it off and tell you that it's fine, you'll get over it, or look at you with that confused face of "I just don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this".....?

There are people who go through life thinking that they aren't that different....despite being damaged. THEY are the ones who don't let anything get in their way or allow their situation to define them. That's a great way to live.....I just don't know how to do it. I AM damaged. And being diagnosed, is now defining what I am....and what I am is broken.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Sick of pink

Damn. In the hype over possibly being wiped off the face of the earth from a Hurricane Joaquin, and my stress about how to get 12 paws on and out the door for the next 5 days in the rain, I totally forgot what October symbolizes. The damn pink is back. It's everywhere and it's making me sick. It's a huge moneymaker and no other form of cancer could have EVER been glorified enough to sell like this. Awareness and research and support of those who fight....ABSOLUTELY. but it's become a farce. And really since we're being honest sells. You can't convince me this marketing madness is sheer profiting off boobs. Try getting that kind of support for any other kind of cancer.

Stop being hypocritical and pretending that breast cancer is the #1 killer because it's not. There are millions of people suffering from all types of this horrible disease and how the hell do you think they feel that they don't get a whole month devoted to THEIR illness? Let's be honest....the pink thing is a great marketing ploy, one worth millions and billions of dollars. Let's "pretty up" an ugly sickness and make it sell like crazy....and it DOES.

Did you know that many products out there don't even really do much for cancer support or research? Yep, you may have just paid twice the price for something either a pink ribbon on it but did you look and see what it actually benefits? I hate to admit that the whole thing is pretty clever but I'm too busy being disgusted. When you find the support for the really awful parts of cancer and the many forms it takes and assign a month to them let me know - otherwise stop pretending and make this about ALL CANCER. Which wouldn't sell nearly as well now would it? But sex

Disclaimer: I mean absolutely NO DISRESPECT to those battling breast cancer or those who have lost loved ones to it. ALL cancer is horrible. My father died one week after his 60th birthday. His type was considered just the ordinary, average kind that takes lives. It wasn't pretty and would never have sold as well as the pink theme. You ALL MATTER.

My point exactly.... #sickofpink

UPDATED 10/30/15: Wow. It seems that the "pink campaign" the NFL has been promoting doesn't even raise funds for research.....