Losing One of the Great Loves of My Life | It's Almost Three Years Later and.....

"Damn it" I muttered under my breath as the car plowed to a halt. I was in that grey zone between too-close-to-stop and dashing-through-an-obviously-red-light and the frustration of being unable to control even this aspect of the day grated on my nerves. I fumed over something else, which like so many instances before today kept appearing to be totally and completely out of my control. I was headed to the bank, with a check just written lying on the seat beside me, which displayed a date of more than two years since I'd said goodbye. Technically speaking, the numbers indicated that it was coming up on THREE years and yet despite searching high and low, far and wide and everywhere else in between, the place for me in the world that so many had mentioned, is nowhere in sight.

I'd spent a lot of time grieving; far more than had seemed possible even to me. I'd struggled to scrawl down some of my sadness on paper, following the instructions which a few friends had given. "Put it it down in writing so you can let it go" they'd suggested, as if a loss could be explained away by scribbling a few paragraphs or pages, and I'd tried. But it didn't fill the empty space, the one where for perhaps the only time in my life I'd found something which completed me and made me feel whole and normal and happy. The sheets of paper filled with descriptions of what I missed and examples of sadness never did bring closure or led me to a place where I could just admit and acknowledge that things were over. I felt that no one else could actually understand that a piece of my life had faded away, but it wasn't just a piece; it was THE piece which finished a puzzle and created something that was finally, together and assembled and whole.

But that was only a small amount of my time. A large number of days and weeks and months had also been spent researching possibilities; looking for new options and applying for jobs that I convinced myself I was qualified for. When none of the interviews panned out, and as months turned into years, I shrank inside of myself and began waking up more days with the realization that something was wrong. Not one of the acquaintances I knew from my 19 years in business followed up as they had promised with their offers and invitations to consider working for them, not even the ones I'd contacted directly. Everyone had a reason to not hire me, an explanation for something that had changed or listed something that I couldn't provide such as random scheduling or as-needed hours only. It was as if I'd fallen off the face of the earth or become invisible. It wasn't just the loss, it was the continued effects of being discarded; told I didn't fit in with what was needed; it was the process of realizing that after 19 years in the same place I had no place at all.

"Life on Delmarva" • #delmarvausa