Wednesday, October 14, 2015

It's been a year

I've been lying on the floor with ice packs all day, trying to squash this headache that's draped across my brain and crawling down my neck. It's been a year since I said goodbye. Twelve months ago I was still struggling to let go - since then a lot has happened but not the things I was hoping for, or that I needed to begin again. Somehow, I seem to have lost my place in the world. I don't fit in anymore and I know so much more than I ever wanted to about people.

I know now that some people can lie - easily and convincingly, and that if you don't see it you might get sucked in. I did, fell for something that wasn't real and believed it "could be" the next step for me after closing those doors - but what I reassured myself was out there as a new adventure and fresh start was just smoke and mirrors.

I realize now that some people let you in their worlds with a clause. Should one thing disturb whatever friendship you may have it's possible for them to just walk, regardless of circumstances. We may all do and say stupid things - some of those actions might take the cake on the scale of inappropriate words - but I'd never cut someone out of my life without a word. Now I know that forgiveness isn't at the core of some hearts and that's been incredible to learn and is something I never saw it coming. Having the ability to screw up is human - to forgive apparently requires something else.

I see that some people stick by you regardless of if you can be of use or benefit to them. The people that you might have casually dismissed as "acquaintances" could be the ones reaching out the hand of kindness. I know that now and am incredibly grateful for so many who came through for me without expecting a thing in return - they turned out to be angels when I thought there was nothing. When you see the quotes about kindness and doing things for others without looking to see what's in it for you....well, that's how it is and should be. No false pretenses.

I'm different and unusual and don't fit in to the traditional norms for a wide variety of reasons. It means I'm still struggling to find my next steps or the new beginning I thought was right around the corner - because twelve months later it's no where to be seen. Despite the good in my life that doesn't fix everything, and I'm getting more desperate each day. Starting to panic and thinking that I may never find my place in this world.

My friend Judy told me a year ago - we discussed it the last time she came to see me - this.
I just can't find the sun right now.

How I'm still feeling - twelve months later......